Funny little epiphany

Jacob is going to be in Grade one in a few months. He is finishing kindergarten in a few months and then after summer break he will be in school from 8:30 - 2:30 every single day.

Doesn't seem like a big deal eh? Well last night it took my breath away. Literally took my breath away and blood rushed right to my head and I actually felt sweaty and clammy just thinking about it. Panic attck? Fear? Disbelief? RELIEF? I have no idea...but if I close my eyes and think about it, I feel that way all over again.

I've been doing alot of thinking about Jacob in the past oh - five years or so. He has been the most challenging and interesting of the three children. He has been the most idle and the most spirited. He has been the most loveable and the funniest. All three of the children are special in their own ways - Jennifer is the gentlest and has the softest heart, William is the smartest and has the driest sense of humor....but there is something about Jacob that just throws us all off balance - it always has really. And I think last night I was all of a sudden faced with the reality that this baby, this child that we have struggled with for so long..is actually growing up. Sure he is still flipping out at every opportunity. Sure he is still hard to get along with and so ANGRY so often...but he is also helping me cook supper, he is calling friends on the phone, he is sleeping through the night, he is doing things for himself and holding conversations with adults that are sensible! And in school he is one of the sweetest, most considerate, most helpful and pleasant children there.

I think last night I just realized that we are really and truly getting there. The light at the end of this tunnel is becoming more than a pinprick...it is getting bigger and bigger...and a part of me is sad to see it so (a BIG part of me)...there is another part of me that just is so happy that we made it through...and everybody still in one piece too! No small feat let me tell you. :)

Come Away With Me

Come Away with me in the night....
Come away with me

*sigh* Nora Jones....the womans voice could melt butter...

And a very appropriate song too....last year I was asked to go away with a group of my closest friends...to St. Louis, where they were all meeting for the first time. And I couldn't go. Money being what it is, and living on this island which should NOT be so isolated but actually is REALLY expensive to fly out of...damnit all there was just no way I could go. So the trip was last weekend and I have been looking at pictures and videos of the trip for the past few days and I am crying every single time. I missed my friends. I should have been there and I am literally mourning the loss.

So my husband has determined that in order to keep me from going completely off the deep end that we will start saving NOW for the next get-together! Woo!! I'm in baby!

You know, I think that this weekend and not being there really made me realize something. I realize that I have real, true, actual friends. The ladies that I have been chatting to and sharing with and laughing and crying with over the past five years are much much more than anonymous words on a computer screen. They are real women who LIKE me and whom I love in return. What an amazing thing!! I always say that I don't have any real life girlfriends - someone hurt me badly many years ago and I am simply unable to form that sort of bond with another woman....and then I realize that I HAVE bonded with other women...I HAVE girlfriends IN REAL LIFE - in my life, right now. The KIT girls are my friends and I am so so very proud to be a part of this wonderful group of women.

And yes...I WILL meet them next year...mark my words :)

Lord grant me Patience

Too bad these BLOG'S don't have smilies...there is a really good one of a person tearing their hair out and then another who spins in circles waving their arms madly...yeah...thats me...

I have come to the stark realization in a very short period of time that I am actually NOT going to escape much of the foolishness of puberty when it comes to William. Not only that, but he is going to be a BAAAADDDDD teenager. Stubborn??? OMG I've never seen anything like it before in my life. Last night I actually screamed at him for the fist time in months...literally screamed at him. The child would NOT move from the friggin' computer, he had to go to his Grandparent's house for supper ...I even gave him fair warning...he was on the computer for SIX hours straight and he HAD to move. His muscles are going to atrophy I swear...and he had the nerve to look at me and just say "No.I'm not going. I am not moving"

HA!! In your dreams mister!

So I unplugged the computer. So there. Take THAT you stubborn teenager you.

So off he went vicious. VICIOUS with me. And I didn't care.....well thats what I told him anyway...in actuality I was heartbroken and out of sorts for the rest of the evening. But he didn't need to know that...

So he comes home and everything is ok, he's still crooked but he's smiling so thats a good sign. Then this morning JAcob goes down to play on the computer and William has locked him out. Deleted Jacob's account and put a password on his own account (Windows XP) with a hint that says "If I can't play on my computer no one can"

Where's that smilie of a person who's head is exploding??????

I'm not ready for this drama. The child needs his father. I don't care what anyone says. So Matthew if you are reading this - get your ass home. I'm not doing this alone buddy.

My week in a nutshell

• Jacob gets the stomach flu
• Jacob goes to Hospital because he is SO sick - all is well but he is still sick
• William gets the stomach flu
• Dad gets the stomach flu
• Rebecca's baby is born! WOO!! Yay Lily is here!
• Visit Rebecca and Lily - newborns- sigh!!!!
• William has the Kiwanis Music Festival - yay! Second place in his category!
• Talent show at the boys school
• Education week activites all week for the boys
• I get sick - NO stomach flu go away! No time!!
• Jacob is doing well with his sticker chart
• Jacob chooses to go bowling as his reward and completely flips out during the excursion - note to self: no more bowling as a reward
• Two big reports at work
• No time to scrapbook - boo-hoo! Going through withdrawls
• All of the stress has made me snapish and waspish and I yell at my husband - ALOT
• James and I make up - only to be thrown completely for a loop by Jacob freaking out and tearing the door off the Entertainment Center
• Realize that I haven't updated the old BLOG in a week and so try to update it with a lame list that doesn't even come close to reflecting how crazy last week really was

And so....thats it in a nutshell...update tonight with pictures!

Impulsive Aggression

Sounds interesting eh? Basically it means that Jacob has anger management problems that need to be addressed. Funny, I didn't think I actually NEEDED a professional to tell me this, but once she did I somehow felt better. Like I wasn't alone, there are others like him, Jacob is not an anomaly and no, I am not raising the next Ted Bundy.

So we have a plan..and we have to see Dr. St. John now every month and each month we will try something different until we find something that works...on the far end and nowhere near us yet is medication, but we are not even discussing this possibility until all else fails. So I have hope. The glimmer of hope really is that Jacob is amazing in school. He is always cheerful, always helpful, never gets into trouble...so he is CAPABLE of controlling himself...it is just that he has all of this energy and all of these emotions and while he tamps it all down in school, when he gets home he explodes like a volcano. It makes SENSE finally...now we just have to try to find a good solution that works for him and that we are comfortable with :)